Just wanted to have this email to remind me of Kim's problems with me.  I came to understand, forgive and have compassion for her.  I walked in her shoes....... she left her paradise island, where she could work, was paid to live in paradise - for a man.  "Romantically" they took off for "armpit" Alberta.  All flat, uninspiring with a small wall for her paintings.  No wonder SHE was envious of me.  My mother was dying of stomach cancer, on palliative chemo, I was her primary caregiver 24/7, had left my life completely to care for my mum in her final year - I understand why Kim was so envious of me.  Who wouldn't be with the life I had in 2012-13. 

Her email to me underlines everything she misses and gave up.  She's sarcastic and mean spirited - just as she was the entire year of my Mum's illness.  I'll never understand her cruelty and that's okay - it just means that I could never ever think or behave like her.




Hilary,
I am not mad at you and never have been. I am your friend and always will be. I have one rule: Anyone who "un-friends" me on fb, I "block". The people who have unfriended me in the past are still really close with me in real life, just not on Facebook anymore. It seems to work.

Life changed for me when I moved here. No more sauntering around the forests, endless days in the studio and catching the sunsets and being miss social. It was like I was retired on Pender. It's  much different here and real life. I have a great job. I am part of a family and keep VERY busy. And it's quite stressful to tell you the truth. Not all things have gone "the way they should have" and I am dealing with many things as we all do in real life. Thus perhaps I am "vague" and I don't respond in lengthy letters. I am the same way with everyone. But my feelings never have changed, nor do my friendships.

Your stuff is on Pender and in very good safekeeping as it always has been and available anytime you want to pick it up, if that's what you want to do. My mom was waiting for your call last time but never heard back from you. She was going to ask if you wanted to stay and have dinner and invite you overnight perhaps. You guys could talk photography and about life and your mom and she would have spent some time with you. She cares for you. As I do.

In the last couple of days we all have been very, very sad. A dear Pender friend lost her son. He died suddenly the other day. Losing a child is the wrong order of things and is not the natural way it should be. We are deeply saddened for her, her husband and the whole community is in grieving. We may fly out for the funeral. It makes me think about my mom and dad when they lost my sister as a beautiful young woman and how horrible it must have been for them - and still is. I miss her.

Life is not easy for anyone. It's a myth that we are living a blessed life. We are all in the same boat. There are moments of good and moments of bad and somewhere in the middle we find peace and connection - and moments of joy.

I am a joy-seeker. I try not to dwell on the negative. Too many cloudy dark dog days as it is. I find it my peace in painting and photography and in Clem too. :)

Talking about that- we are rushing off to buy a bed as we have my sister coming this week and no room for her as the girls are living with us for a month... Clem's waiting for me. I do have to  run. ..

Namaste right back at ya.

Your friend,
Kim. xo

My mother's terminal cancer diagnosis. And how my yoga instructor refuses to refund me any tuition based on compassionate grounds

I'm not a writer.  That's for sure.  I'd like to be a better writer but at this point what I'm going to do is write about cancer.  How it kills........  cancer is evil.  Cancer is NOT a "healing experience" though some who subscribe to a certain set of beliefs believe it to be "already a healing experience".   This trite garbage comes from people who you'd think would be more compassionate - like yoga instructors and others who have that set of "new age" beliefs that "everything happens for a reason".

People with cancer have to fight it through by extremely toxic meds called "chemotherapy" that not only kill the the cancer cells, but also kill healthy cells (particularly bone marrow cells - leaving the person extremely vulnerable to infections).  This is NOT healing - there's nothing healing about it!!  Cancer kills slowly and painfully, it eats away at everyone who comes into contact with the person living with cancer - cancer is exhausting for that person and for caregivers, for the people who love that person.  I hate cancer.  HATE it.  Cancer is evil.

No one deserves cancer, no one deserves medication that destroys every cell in one's body and results in painful side effects

The thing that irritates me beyond all comprehension are the people who offer the most idiotic comments.   For example, when someone is dying, do not offer trite and inappropriate comments like "what a beautiful healing experience" and "I can see the healing happening already" - there is nothing "healing" about cancer and death. Cancer is evil..... my advice is to say "I'm so sorry, if there's anything I can do, please ask" and leave it at that. Do NOT impose your own spiritual beliefs on us - particularly that nonsense about this experience being "healing" - when someone is dying, there is no healing.  They're dying and will be dead.  Get real.  Grow up and stop with the immature, uneducated beliefs of this new age crap.  I appreciate meditation, yoga, Buddhism, Taoism, alternative therapies - absolutely - but this uneducated garbage about cancer or whatever being healing just pisses me off no end.  

One person who offere up these comments is from a surprizing source to me - yoga.  I've been taking yoga at Yoga By the Sea in Roberts Creek, from this yoga instructor and owner of YBTS, Marney Coulter.  I've been practicing yoga there for 2 1/2 yrs so she knows me well - it's a small community.  I have volunteered my time to help with YBTS Open Houses, manning their Earth Day booth 2 yrs in a row, I've donated photographs to the fundraising raffle and I've volunteered to set up the studio for solstice celebration.  

Because Marney is rarely on time for the yoga classes she does teach (5-10 mins late most classes), I've gone to the studio 20 mins early to open the door for people and to set up the room for those students.  I've made tea, lighted candles and aromatherapy/incense, placed tea lights around the studio for comfort and warm energy, and turned on beautiful calming music to make the space inviting, warm and serene.  Marney told me to set out her mat, blanket and cushion so that she can just walk into the studio and sit down to begin class and I've done so.  She's often running late and has verbalized to her students on several occassions that she has no problem with that - she's learned to accept that in her - she lives less than 2 mins from the studio and I live 20 mins away.   

In addition to all the other time I have volunteered at YBTS, I have given freely of my professional photography skills on a number of occassions when Marney has asked me.  Recently, this August, I did an early evening sunset shoot with the YBTS  instructors for the most recent studio brochure and website updates - all I asked in return was photo credit on the website and most importantly on the brochure that would be widely seen by people grabbing one to put on their fridge etc.  I was not paid any money for this photo shoot and it would have cost her between $700 - $1500 but I did out of generosity knowing that contributing to the community is something that I value.  

When the website was updated, there were no photo credits to me and I had to contact Marney to alert her to it and ask her to rectify it, which she did.  Then, to my dismay, I discovered that the brochure for the fall schedule had been printed without my photo credit as she had promised me in writing.   The brochures were printed and it would have cost money to reprint them.   This photo credit is essential to me because I'm building a business and it is my photograph - it is copyright infringement.  She's never made any attempt to repair that oversight.  Nothing.  Additionally, at that sunset photoshoot, I took headshots of instructors and Marney was one of them - I forwarded her a "sneek peek" of some of the photos in low res with my watermark - it's a clear message not to use the photo without my permission and without crediting me.  It was a shock when Marney took her headshot, cropped out my watermark What do you think about that?   All of these things I've done come from my heart, genuinely and with caring and I have no regrets doing them.  I'm very hurt and feel betrayed that my one request, photo credit, was so obviously overlooked.  If there's a watermark on an image, it takes thought to deliberately crop out that watermark - what does that say about her?

Marney told me that  my mother's cancer was such a "healing experience" and that she could "see the healing happening already".  Really?  How so? I think it's agonizing for my mother, my sister, myself, my mum's friends and family  There's nothing "healing" about it at all.  

The most stressful and truly confusing thing about this ordeal with Marney is that I was taking yoga teacher training in a group of 10 students at YBTS\one 3 day weekend a month (the 3rd weekend Marney wasn't there for 2/3 of it and told us to "teach yourselves the yoga postures" because she was called to act in her role of Doula.  I was stunned because I didn't pay to teach other students or to have students teach me - I paid my tuition to have Marney teach me and the others.  To my shock, that weekend, she showed up one evening as we arrived for class at 7PM, hair wet from swimming and announced that she was "off to a potluck dinner". I'm serious and I was shocked that she would actually advertise that to us.

Upon my mother's initial diagnosis, after much thought as I realized the extent of her illness and need for me to be her caregiver as well as spend as much time with her as I could, I requested a 50% refund.  However, Marney, who is seen by some as a "light of the community" and who positions herself as this serene, compassionate earth mother, refused to refund me the tuition - she offered me the option of taking the teacher training in April, when I'll likely still be caring for my mother in the last stages of her life or coping with her death and dealing with my own grief, the grief of my sister and the more practical matters of her estate - yoga teacher training will not be on the agenda and not a priority.  After several emails from me requesting 50% tuition refund on compassionate grounds she's still refusing to refund me anything.  This is causing me incredible stress as illness is expensive and that money could be used to help purchase my mum's chemo meds, her natural therapies/supplements, her naturopath appointments etc. There's no way that this woman, Marney, looks good in this story.  It's an all around unfortunate business decision.  If I'd been teaching a similar class and someone had come to me with the news I had, they'd not have had to ask for a refund - I'd have written a cheque for the full amount and refunded 100% of the tuition with a card asking if there's anything else I could do.

 When I first told Marney about my mum's diagnosis in confidence - she just looked at me (seriously, just stood there and looked at me, didn't reach out to touch me or comfort me, just looked at me - not in shock, just a flat look).  She did eventually ask me a question that stunned me:   "does she have funeral arrangements?" - I'm not kidding - it is so shocking and inappropriate. She followed up that question with  does your mother have life insurance?".  Who asks questions like that?  This woman is not a friend of mine, she's my yoga instructor, she doesn't have the permission to ask me  such person questions.  Again, shockingly inappropriate.   She didn't ever say to me "I'm so sorry to hear this, Hilary" or "this must be a shock/so hard for you and your mother" not even asking about how my mum is.  Just questions about her funeral arrangements (none of her business and my mother is not close to the grave just yet!) and life insurance - really???  None of her business at all!  This is from someone who's been teaching yoga passionately for 18 yrs - who is committed to that lifestyle and she said THAT to me!!?? Someone, who she's known in her classes for 2 1/2 yrs (small community as I say).   I really question what kind of role model she's being to any of her students if this is the way she lives her life.  Why would i ever want to take yoga from her again - it's not emotionally, nor spiritually safe in my personal experience.

With all the tragedy, sadness, stress etc that I'm going through at this time, the last thing I need is this woman consistently refusing to refund me my tuition.  It's just so stressful.  She's supposed to model and embody compassion - does this refusal to refund my tuition given the fact my mother is dying from metatastic stomach cancer suggest compassion to anyone?

The Wickaninnish Inn Artists in Action

 A month ago, I had no idea that I would be exhibiting my prints at the Artists in Action event at The Wickaninnish Inn in Tofino, BC.  And here I am!!  I feel so honoured and grateful that The Wick invited me to be on of 4 artists to participate in this New Year's celebration.  


I don't celebrate New Year's Eve because it's such a fake and forced event.  However, this year, I am thrilled to be able to start 2012 in Tofino, walking on the beach with my dog, Lauer.  What a perfect way to begin the year!


Last night, the Inn threw an awesome reception for the guests arriving for New Years.  Charles McDiarmid, the managing director of the Inn, introduced all the management team and the 4 artists and welcomed everyone to this special place.  The reception was an outstanding event - fab food!!  Smoked salmon to die for!!!  I could have eaten all of it - so yummy!  The rest of the food was delicious too - sweet potato samosas, crabcakes, pasta, cheese, chocolates - yummy, yummy.


Several people expressed an interest in my work, which is flattering and lovely.  Hopefully, some sales will come through.  


Yesterday's walk on the beach was a perfect metaphor for my life in 2011!!  It was a really windy, stormy day with sunshine, clouds, rain and hail squalls, huge waves hitting the rocks hard on Frank Island - strong enough to blow me over if I stood for too long.  I sat on the rocks with Lauer and watched the waves for about an hour.  All that power, that prana - life force - hitting me at one time.  It was good to be grounded on the rocks.  


While I feel somewhat lost in my life, that's okay because it makes me strive harder to find the place where I feel connected.  The rocks around me aren't lost, the waves aren't lost, nor are the trees, the birds, eagles, wolves................  they all know where they are.  And I'm okay to be exactly where I am - sitting on the rocks on Frank Island on Chesterman Beach, watching the breakers hit the island.  


Who knows what 2012 will bring.  I'm staying open to the possibilities and opportunities that come my way.  I have some ideas of what I want to do, directions I want to move in and life often has other plans for us!!


All I know is that a month ago, I didn't expect to be in Tofino for New Year's Eve and yet here I am - so staying open to the Universe, grabbing opportunities when they come by is an important learning for me.  Being spontaneous and open to those gifts that come along when we least expect them.  2012 is a year of change - I feel that deep within myself but I just don't know what kinds of changes - challenging changes - but isn't all change challenging?


Stay in the moment, set intentions, be grateful for that which comes into your life, notice the opportunities and possibilites that the Universe offers.  Let go of that which doesn't make you happy or content, forgive yourself and others, be compassionate, love what you do, practice yoga!!  Be here in this world, in this life and share your true self with others!!  

Painting with My Camera - Intentional Camera Movement

Ever since I started taking photographs about 30 years ago, capturing the sense of movement, creating abstract images has been a passion of mine and when I discovered ICM, a whole new world of photography opened up for me.   Intentional Camera Movement is the when the camera is moved in horizontal, vertical, diagonal or random directions while the shutter is open.  The resulting image is deliberately blurred and often abstract.  ICM images are not what most people think of as traditional photographs because motion is captured and created in the image via the technique.  I describe it to people as “painting with my camera” because my images are painterly and impressionistic.  Others can be more abstract.

Each photographer finds their own process and develops their own style and signature – this is true for all photographers and for those who employ ICM in their work, thus, I offer these tips and techniques aware of our individual approaches to photography. As a photographer interested in ICM, you need to find your own way through the inspiration of others and develop your own style.

Tips and Tecniques

Tripod

Using a tripod is the best way to introduce yourself to deliberate camera movement.  It’s an invaluable tool to start with by employing long sweeps from right to left and left to right in 2-3 second exposures under low light conditions.  You need to be under low light conditions or use neutral density filters to allow you to shoot in daylight.  Study your EXIF data after you’ve discovered what you like in your work and it will give you important information about how to set your shutter speed and aperture to achieve the look you’re going for in your photographs.

Shutter Speed

Shutter speed is probably the most important element to control what you want in your photos.  I prefer, for my own work, to work between 1/20 sec and 1/5 sec.  In order to accomplish good results at these fairly fast slow shutter speeds, one needs to move the camera very quickly with a strong follow through and camera set on “continuous shoot”. In daylight, setting your camera at its lowest ISO and closing your aperture down will help you get the shutter speed that works for you.  I prefer to use aperture priority on my camera to achieve the slower shutter speed because I’ve found that shutter speed will vary as the camera is moved particularly around light and dark areas in the subject matter.

Choosing Your Images

When it comes to choosing your best ICM images, it’s subjective, like all art.  However, here are some guidelines to help you see beyond the initial photograph before you delete it!!  When you choose your images, certain interrelationships within the image you’ll want and others you won’t.

For example, the balance of colours, gradations and tonality, lightness to darkness within the image will improve your photograph.  Looking closely at your photo to find the image within the image is a great skill to develop because you can take an okay image and make it better through cropping – other images just cannot be improved.  Interrelationships between light and dark, the “heaviness” in colour or darkness needs to be balanced in an image.  You do not want an image that is too dark or heavy on one side but rather, is equally weighted visually.

Layers of colours and tones need to be balanced too.  For example, a heavy layer at the top of an image that takes up 2/3 of the space with several smaller layers at the bottom of the image is not the best option because it’s not as pleasing to the eye.  Cropping that layer to balance the bottom of the image is an option to consider.

Conclusion

Finally – experiment, experiment, experiment!  Find inspiration in photographers you admire who take ICM images and have fun with it – play!!  Experimenting with ICM will help you, as a photographer, find your own style, your own way of working with this approach to photography – you don’t want to copy another photographer but be inspired by them!  If ICM is for you, you will find that your passion for it will grow daily and you’ll need several memory cards because this technique takes up a lot of space!!    

Gallery Exhibition Installation

Wow!!  It's finally here - my very first gallery exhibition - at the Gibsons Public Art Gallery.

Pulling this show together has been both a labour of love and an incredible lesson of self compassion and strength.  Over these past months (years really), I've been on a spiritual journey of transformation and growth that brings me to a sense of worthiness.

Masterclass in Long Exposures with Michael Levin

Went to Victoria a couple of weeks ago for a photography masterclass with award-winning contemporary black and white photographer, Michael Levin.

I know Michael through Tricera, the printing company he owns with his girlfriend, Erika.  He'd seen my work and pretty much insisted that I attend the workshop - that encouragement from him means alot to me as I lack confidence in myself.  He's a good guy - down to earth, honest, straightforward.  He gave me great feedback on my portfolio - what to keep and what should move to another portfolio - seems I've got several bodies of work on the go!  At the end of day 1, we all went to Ogden Point and spent 2 hours shooting the pier - so now I can say, I went shooting with Michael Levin!!

Learned about his process, processing, how he makes a photograph after he takes the photograph.  Fascinating!  Here's one of my long exposure shots.

The Place that Saved My Life

Sechelt Inlet - the view from the house I rented with my dog, Lauer, when I first moved to the Sunshine Coast.  This place was so healing for me as I was psychologically exhausted.  As I describe it today, sometimes your life has to be completely destroyed before you can step out into your new life, into a new way of being in the world, where you can transform your life into something that's true to your self, your spirit - and that's what I am doing and learning to do every day.