I'm not a writer. That's for sure. I'd like to be a better writer but at this point what I'm going to do is write about cancer. How it kills........ cancer is evil. Cancer is NOT a "healing experience" though some who subscribe to a certain set of beliefs believe it to be "already a healing experience". This trite garbage comes from people who you'd think would be more compassionate - like yoga instructors and others who have that set of "new age" beliefs that "everything happens for a reason".
People with cancer have to fight it through by extremely toxic meds called "chemotherapy" that not only kill the the cancer cells, but also kill healthy cells (particularly bone marrow cells - leaving the person extremely vulnerable to infections). This is NOT healing - there's nothing healing about it!! Cancer kills slowly and painfully, it eats away at everyone who comes into contact with the person living with cancer - cancer is exhausting for that person and for caregivers, for the people who love that person. I hate cancer. HATE it. Cancer is evil.
No one deserves cancer, no one deserves medication that destroys every cell in one's body and results in painful side effects
The thing that irritates me beyond all comprehension are the people who offer the most idiotic comments. For example, when
someone is dying, do not offer trite and inappropriate comments like
"what a beautiful healing experience" and "I can see the healing
happening already" - there is nothing "healing" about cancer and death.
Cancer is evil..... my advice is to say "I'm so sorry, if there's
anything I can do, please ask" and leave it at that. Do NOT impose your own spiritual beliefs on us - particularly that nonsense about this experience being "healing" - when someone is dying, there is no healing. They're dying and will be dead. Get real. Grow up and stop with the immature, uneducated beliefs of this new age crap. I appreciate meditation, yoga, Buddhism, Taoism, alternative therapies - absolutely - but this uneducated garbage about cancer or whatever being healing just pisses me off no end.
One person who offere up these comments is from a surprizing source to me - yoga. I've been taking yoga at Yoga By the Sea in Roberts Creek, from this yoga instructor and owner of YBTS, Marney Coulter. I've been practicing yoga there for 2 1/2 yrs so she knows me well - it's a small community. I have volunteered my time to help with YBTS Open Houses, manning their Earth Day booth 2 yrs in a row, I've donated photographs to the fundraising raffle and I've volunteered to set up the studio for solstice celebration.
Because Marney is rarely on time for the yoga classes she does teach (5-10 mins late most classes), I've gone to the studio 20 mins early to open the door for people and to set up the room for those students. I've made tea, lighted candles and aromatherapy/incense, placed tea lights around the studio for comfort and warm energy, and turned on beautiful calming music to make the space inviting, warm and serene. Marney told me to set out her mat, blanket and cushion so that she can just walk into the studio and sit down to begin class and I've done so. She's often running late and has verbalized to her students on several occassions that she has no problem with that - she's learned to accept that in her - she lives less than 2 mins from the studio and I live 20 mins away.
In addition to all the other time I have volunteered at YBTS, I have given freely of my professional photography skills on a number of occassions when Marney has asked me. Recently, this August, I did an early evening sunset shoot with the YBTS instructors for the most recent studio brochure and website updates - all I asked in return was photo credit on the website and most importantly on the brochure that would be widely seen by people grabbing one to put on their fridge etc. I was not paid any money for this photo shoot and it would have cost her between $700 - $1500 but I did out of generosity knowing that contributing to the community is something that I value.
When the website was updated, there were no photo credits to me and I had to contact Marney to alert her to it and ask her to rectify it, which she did. Then, to my dismay, I discovered that the brochure for the fall schedule had been printed without my photo credit as she had promised me in writing. The brochures were printed and it would have cost money to reprint them. This photo credit is essential to me because I'm building a business and it is my photograph - it is copyright infringement. She's never made any attempt to repair that oversight. Nothing. Additionally, at that sunset photoshoot, I took headshots of instructors and Marney was one of them - I forwarded her a "sneek peek" of some of the photos in low res with my watermark - it's a clear message not to use the photo without my permission and without crediting me. It was a shock when Marney took her headshot, cropped out my watermark What do you think about that? All of these things I've done come from my heart, genuinely and with caring and I have no regrets doing them. I'm very hurt and feel betrayed that my one request, photo credit, was so obviously overlooked. If there's a watermark on an image, it takes thought to deliberately crop out that watermark - what does that say about her?
Marney told me that my mother's cancer was such a "healing experience" and that she could "see the healing happening already". Really? How so? I think it's agonizing for my mother, my sister, myself, my mum's friends and family There's nothing "healing" about it at all.
The most stressful and truly confusing thing about this ordeal with Marney is that I was taking yoga teacher training in a group of 10 students at YBTS\one 3 day weekend a month (the 3rd weekend Marney wasn't there for 2/3 of it and told us to "teach yourselves the yoga postures" because she was called to act in her role of Doula. I was stunned because I didn't pay to teach other students or to have students teach me - I paid my tuition to have Marney teach me and the others. To my shock, that weekend, she showed up one evening as we arrived for class at 7PM, hair wet from swimming and announced that she was "off to a potluck dinner". I'm serious and I was shocked that she would actually advertise that to us.
Upon my mother's initial diagnosis, after much thought as I realized the extent of her illness and need for me to be her caregiver as well as spend as much time with her as I could, I requested a 50% refund. However, Marney, who is seen by some as a "light of the community" and who positions herself as this serene, compassionate earth mother, refused to refund me the tuition - she offered me the option of taking the teacher training in April, when I'll likely still be caring for my mother in the last stages of her life or coping with her death and dealing with my own grief, the grief of my sister and the more practical matters of her estate - yoga teacher training will not be on the agenda and not a priority. After several emails from me requesting 50% tuition refund on compassionate grounds she's still refusing to refund me anything. This is causing me incredible stress as illness is expensive and that money could be used to help purchase my mum's chemo meds, her natural therapies/supplements, her naturopath appointments etc. There's no way that this woman, Marney, looks good in this story. It's an all around unfortunate business decision. If I'd been teaching a similar class and someone had come to me with the news I had, they'd not have had to ask for a refund - I'd have written a cheque for the full amount and refunded 100% of the tuition with a card asking if there's anything else I could do.
When I first told Marney about my mum's diagnosis in confidence - she just looked at me (seriously, just stood there and looked at me, didn't reach out to touch me or comfort me, just looked at me - not in shock, just a flat look). She did eventually ask me a question that stunned me: "does she have funeral arrangements?" - I'm not kidding - it is so shocking and inappropriate. She followed up that question with does your mother have life insurance?". Who asks questions like that? This woman is not a friend of mine, she's my yoga instructor, she doesn't have the permission to ask me such person questions. Again, shockingly inappropriate. She didn't ever say to me "I'm so sorry to hear this, Hilary" or "this must be a shock/so hard for you and your mother" not even asking about how my mum is. Just questions about her funeral arrangements (none of her business and my mother is not close to the grave just yet!) and life insurance - really??? None of her business at all! This is from someone who's been teaching yoga passionately for 18 yrs - who is committed to that lifestyle and she said THAT to me!!?? Someone, who she's known in her classes for 2 1/2 yrs (small community as I say). I really question what kind of role model she's being to any of her students if this is the way she lives her life. Why would i ever want to take yoga from her again - it's not emotionally, nor spiritually safe in my personal experience.
With all the tragedy, sadness, stress etc that I'm going through at this time, the last thing I need is this woman consistently refusing to refund me my tuition. It's just so stressful. She's supposed to model and embody compassion - does this refusal to refund my tuition given the fact my mother is dying from metatastic stomach cancer suggest compassion to anyone?
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